14 Rules For Driving in San Diego

1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same idiots to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction pylons. Bonus points are awarded for getting out of your car and moving the pylons.

2. Turn signals provide clues as to your next move in the road battle, so never use them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less likely your chance of getting hit.

5. The car that needs the most extensive body work automatically has the right of way.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible, to insure that your antilock braking system kicks in. This will give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

7. Construction signs are carefully positioned to tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last opportunity to exit, but just before the traffic begins to back up.

8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's as good way to scare people entering the highway. Passing on the shoulder is encouraged - that's why they're paved.

9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make California look as if it conforms with other state policies. They are intended only as suggestions and are, in fact, unenforceable.

10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

11. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unlucky breakdown victim get mugged.

12. Learn to swerve abruptly. San Diego is the home of very high speed slalom driving, thanks to the California Department of Transportation. The orange pylons are for special slalom events as they are reserved only for the most highly skilled in slalom driving when competitions are held at night.

13. Seeking eye contact with another driver automatically revokes your right of way.

14. Giving an obscene gesture may invite armed retaliation. Be sure that your rifle is on the gun rack in the rear window (and therefore visible), rather than lying on the seat, and in range to be picked up easily.